U.S
West Virginia.
Made this three years ago, decided it’s finally time to leave it by the side of the road, before I drag it into another year.
A good comic
I swear I’ve had this dream
my uncle
-is allergic to chocolate
-is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe)
-has weird long vampire teeth
-once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class
-named his bicycle Tom Bombadil
-got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time
-is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support
-is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour
-enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds.
-cannot touch mangos
-teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple
-has begun studying magic
-used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples
-is so fucking weird
-used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it
-is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them
-is sending me on a roadtrip to the National Radio Quiet Zone for fun and education
-showed up to a family outing downtown this morning, wearing nylon shorts and expensive leather Oxford formal shoes
-cried himself to sleep as a child because he desperately wanted a pet alligator
-has experimented with god knows how many psychoactive substances…. For Science
-is a literal masochist, as discovered this afternoon, when he told me all about how he’s addicted to the “excruciating pain and unexpected pleasure” of physical therapy
-has feet so long he has to get shoes custom made for him - they have, in the past, been mistaken for clown shoes
-once took his girlfriend on a date to lick the St. Louis Arch, in winter, and later revealed that he only framed it as a date ‘cause he was afraid of going alone in case his tongue got stuck to the metal
-told me that he loved how bananas made his whole throat feel tingly, was surprised to find out that bananas are not supposed to have this effect
-was disappointed that I did not bring a book on demon conjugation to the family reunion, because he wanted to compare it to his own translation
-got banned from going down a slide today because he was dripping wet and had clearly been swimming…. he was just really sweaty from climbing the stairs
-sent me a check but forgot my legal name and put my nickname on it instead (it can’t be deposited and he hasn’t sent another)
this is what he wore to a family outing downtown
He showed up to our Christmas Eve dinner wearing a dress shirt, fancy slacks, and flip flops. All he ate was a bowl of smoked oysters.
new cryptid
Even in death you cannot respect a woman enough to use her name. How disgusting.
Jesus fucking Christ. She was a real life WARRIOR and the only thing these people value is her physical aesthetic. You have got to be fucking kidding me.
I cannot fucking believe this, she was a 19-year-old Kurdish woman with a name. NINETEEN-fucking-years-old and she led an all-female battalion against known ISIS groups in Syria, and they comment on her appearance before her rank, her age and don’t even use her fucking name?
RIP Asia Ramazan Antar, you will be remembered.
So disrespectful.
RIP Asia Ramazan Antar, you will be remembered.
Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.
Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.
Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.
Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.
Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.
There are million dollar blockbuster movies that were less entertaining than the rollercoaster this post just took me on.
every day the same telemarketing company calls us. I’ve asked to be taken off their calling list, I’ve tried to be civil, I’ve even tried to not answer the phone, yet they’ll keep calling. So now I’ve resorted to making the phones calls as annoying as possible for them.
Today I asked the person to hold while I got a pen and paper. As of now, they’ve been waiting 45 minutes.
Update:
I just asked him if he was still there, then when he said yes i told him i had found a pen but no paper, but that i’m still looking. It’s been an hour.
I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN ON TUMBLR AND YOUTUBE WHILE THIS GUY WAITS. IT’S BEEN ALMOST AN HOUR AND A HALF
Update:
After an hour and 35 minutes I told him that i had found paper, but my pen was dead. He hung up. Ah well, i’ll just do it again tomorrow!
You are the future
As a former telemarketer, I can tell you that the only reason that guy hung on the line for so long was because he didn’t really want to make any more calls anyway and was probably reading a book or chatting with friends while you pretended to find paper and pen. He was enjoying your mischief as much, if not more, than you were. You literally gave this guy an acceptable reason to take an hour and a half break. You are his hero. He likely only finally hung up because it was officially his break time anyway. He probably told all his co-workers about your call and they’ll be laughing about it for weeks.
Holy shit, is this a happy ending to a post where everybody actually wins?
ACTUALLY YES because according to parental unit number one, telemarketers get paid by how long they’re on the phone with someone. so you were literally helping this friend get paid by doing absolutely shit
vive la resistance
I took my rubber band out of my hair and it formed a perfect treble clef.
I cannot reblog this enough
Why is this still getting notes
because a treble clef is at the beginning of every bar so there must be notes to follow
Wowie that was a good one
i’m so tired of the AU where your soulmate’s name is on your wrist. i want my enemy’s name on my wrist. i wanna know who i’m going to have to physically fight eventually. turn on your fucking location
your enemy’s name on one wrist and your soulmate the another. no clue which is which. hope it’s not the same name on both wrists.
This turned out a little long so I’ve bolded main points for TL;DR skim readers.
This post covers some current issues and some beginner tips.
As of typing (7/7/16), Pokemon Go has been released in Aus, NZ, US, and JP.
incaseyouart